I was done praying!

Apr 15

After being awake for 72 hours straight, I was done praying and I was done with trusting God! I grew up in church, had been saved since I was 16 years old. I had faith, tithed every pay check and believed that Jesus Christ had died for my sins. In my head I was doing everything right, so why couldn’t I sleep at night? Where was God? And why was he ignoring me?

Things started out very slow, I had insomnia a few nights here and there, but I could usually take Tylenol PM’s and fall asleep. My appetite was slowly leaving, and I was becoming more jittery than usual. I was no stranger to anxiety and depression, but this time felt different. I felt like I had no control over my body and that the world around me was moving but I was stuck. Over the course of four months things got significantly worse. I began to dread being alone and being terrified of the night time. Every time I fell asleep, it’s like something pushed me to wake me up. I envisioned something or someone sitting beside my bed and waiting until I slightly dosed off, then pushed me just enough to cause me to jerk out of my sleep. I was terrified of nighttime because I already knew I was going to have a night of tossing and turning, exhaustion and fatigue. It felt like I was being tormented by demons at night. But how? I am a Christian and surely Christians can’t have demons right? I even developed a fear that I was going to die in my sleep. My family nor I knew what was happening with me. At this point no medicine or sleeping pill was helping to put me out of my misery.

At the end of the fourth month, I found that I had been awake for 72 hours straight, I had not eaten a full meal in weeks and was slowly losing my mind. I was angry, frustrated and sad all the time. Where was God? Was he mad at me? What did I do to invite such torture into my life? After 72 hours I knew that I needed help, or I was going to die. I reached out to a deliverance minister in my city because I knew that whatever was going on with me was not normal. It couldn’t be normal. This had to be something from the spirit realm. Although I was a believer in Jesus, I had no idea what deliverance looked like, if it really worked or what happened after you did it. I just knew I was desperate.

My first round of deliverance was something straight out of a movie. I screamed, vomited, fainted, and cried like never before. The pastor called and rebuked spirits out of me that I never even heard of, each time leaving me with a little bit more relief. I ended up doing five rounds of deliverance spanning over a week. Each time I knew I wasn’t free from the tormenting spirit that was keeping me up at night and suppressing my appetite. It wasn’t until the fifth round that I knew that whatever it was that had a hold of me had fleed in the name of Jesus. Now before I move on with the story I want to stress that deliverance is real and is powerful. Ephesians 6: 12 says, “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” Deliverance is life changing and necessary but should be conducted by someone who is filled with the Holy Spirit and has been properly trained.

After my fifth and final round of deliverance, I knew something had finally shifted. I knew I had been set free in the name of Jesus. I was grateful. I was hopeful. I was free. However, something was still wrong. My body was weak, I was still anxious and I could not fall asleep. I remember calling out to God, screaming and crying, “Where are you?” “Are you even listening to me?” I knew for a fact God was real especially after what I had experience during deliverance. But was He mad at me? Why wasn’t He answering me? I remember sitting on the couch of my apartment and hearing a voice very clearly tell me, “After your birthday, you can go ahead and kill yourself.” That was my final straw. I had officially given up. I didn’t want to die, but I knew that I had to get someone to help me or I wasn’t sure what was going to happen.

My friend convinced me to check into a psychiatric facility. I was convinced that I just needed some medication or a shot and then I was going back home. However, the doctor straight up told my mother that I was “deteriorating” and that I needed to be admitted. So that was it. All the praying and faith that God would heal me was for nothing, or so I thought. I felt like God had abandoned me and left me alone. What I didn’t realize at the time was that God was using the therapists, psychiatrists and medications that I was prescribed to heal my physical body. I thought that by me going to a hospital or taking medication that meant I wasn’t trusting God. However, God is the creator of the universe. The Alpha and the Omega. He can use any all things to heal his children. My soul and spirit had been redeemed and set free but now I needed to work on my physical body.

There’s so much more that I can tell about this time in my life, however, I want you to understand that God is never ignoring you. We often unintentionally open doors and give the evil forces of this world permission to come into our lives and cause us harm. But God is never too far that He can not come and rescue us. I sought the Lord and He in fact heard and He answered me. I just didn’t understand how He works and was prolonging my healing. Everyone’s situation is differnt and you may or may not need deliverance. However, if you are struggling, reach out for help. God is able to heal and bless us through other people.

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